By now the Internet is full of opinions on how the first superhero bromance movie of the year, where the posters have the main stars making goo-goo eyes at each other, is not very good.
Batman Ã Superman: Dawn of Justice (I refuse to call it by its real name since in a title that long, why would you remove a letter from the SHORTEST WORD when there is an absolutely unnecessary subtitle attached to it) has its moments but let's face it- it was not a very good movie.
Now, there are a lot of articles that talk about how the movie was good or bad but not many that look at how it could be improved so that people with any knowledge of the DC universe or storytelling in general will not cringe at the thought of watching it in the first place (as I did).
So it is within this small portion of the Internet that I will list down my somewhat serious, somewhat comedic recommendations on how to turn this joke of a movie into a slightly better joke of a movie that might at least live up to the hype that all the cereals, lunchboxes, toys, and energy drinks promised.
These are in no particular order and [SPOILER] warnings will be put on
specific points when needed. Let's get started, shall we?
1. Fix this:
2. This is like a reverse-Avengers movie. Where Marvel firmly established each and every character's backstory and motivation before having them all team-up in a cosplay convention, DC starts off with a convention where the viewers do not know who these jokers are and where they stand in this new cinematic universe (save for Superman) and this leads Snyder to have to mix a lot of stories into one film.
This would have been a pretty okay film if they released it AFTER all the characters were firmly established which is why I thought the movie would be a bad idea way back when it was first announced.
3. Needs more Aquaman.
4. WTF is this, Superman copping a feel? I hope not. That would mean another thirty minutes of exposition. Fix this so the kids don't ask for that sequel.
5. Really, why is everyone so touchy-feely in this movie?
6. Lex Luthor is a bald, evil, charismatic character who is like a reverse Charles Xavier (that can walk). He is NOT this whiny, cuhraaaazy antagonist who gives off "Kylo Ren" vibes. Get Patrick Stewart in here and I'll consider this fixed.
7. Needs more Aquaman.
8. [Mild Spoiler]
The first thing Lois Lane asks a terrorist (after telling him that she is a reporter, no less) is literally "Are you a terrorist". Better ship her back to journalist school because that question can be either obviously answered or blatantly racist/ offensive.
9. The amount of times this movie switches scenes is just too damn high. Try focusing on one plot point and resolving it before cutting to Lex Luthor feeding some old guy candy, would you? We could do without a lot of unnecessary scenes like those.
10. Batman missed; get him some bat-glasses.
11. What is Batman branding people for? He can obviously remember their names and faces so why does he have to go all medieval and love-stamp every bad guy that he deems as a threat?
You know what, I don't even want to know.
12. After Christopher Nolan's take on Batman, the new Batmobile and Batwing both seem kind of lacking in the creativity department.
Solution: Give Batman more money (?)
13. [Mild Spoiler]
Why does Batman wear a jacket in his dream? Is it to keep the dust off? His costume is completely black. Is it so that he has more pockets? He has a freaking UTILITY BELT! AND PANTS! Drop that back at the dollar store where you found it; you are not a hobo.
14. Now I know this movie rips off a lot of material from The Dark Knight Returns graphic novel, but at least try to explain to the audience why an older, grittier Batman uses guns and kills people in the first place.
Superman actually shouts "WHERE IS SHE?!" after finding out that his mother has been kidnapped.
First off: this is the wrong movie to be using that line in, and secondly: Christian Bale said it a lot better... take note that he needed lozenges for the majority of his Batman career.
16. Justice League members make cameo appearances for about two minutes each. Well, at least they lived up to the "Dawn of Justice" subtitle.
17. Needs more Aquaman.
18. Despite being titled "Batman V Superman", there is not much physical fighting between the two when compared to how long the movie actually is. It is just mostly two dudes looking at each other and debating on who has the best scowl. Add more fighting!
19. [Mild Spoiler]
During the big fight between the two lovebirds, Batman throws everything including the kitchen sink (literally) at Superman. Plus points for a good joke.
20. Whenever Batman hurls Kryptonite gas grenades at Superman, it looks like Superman is about to choke on his fart. Change the color of Kryptonite fart gas!
Okay, everyone knows this "Martha" joke by now, but REALLY?! The only thing that stayed Batman's hand from killing Superman was the coincidence that their mothers share the same first name?!
Bravo, writers. You have officially won the worst writing award with that scene alone. GET SOME BETTER WRITERS, DC!
Lois Lane throws literally the only thing that can kill the man she loves into a gutter like it was an empty packet of chips.
I don't even know why the writers would consider this in the first place.
23. Whenever Superman exerts himself, he always looks like he has to poop.
Solution: Go to the bathroom before filming scenes.
24. Didn't the Fellowship of The Ring fight this troll already? Please give us a non-generic bad guy, DC. It's worse than having generic white soldiers in video games.
25. There is so much stuff blowing up that I wouldn't be surprised if this was a Michael Bay movie. Do these heroes even care about collateral damage, which was briefly addressed then completely forgotten about in this very film?
26. Film-wise, there are so many dimly-lit scenes which are then followed by bright flashes of light, especially in the final confrontation with Doomsday. There should be a seizure-warning before even airing this movie to the public.
27. Needs more Aquaman.
These are just a few recommendations that I can give off the top of my head. Apart from the inexcusable shortage of Aquaman screen time, I actually tried making a list of what could be improved while watching the movie and it was full by the first fifteen minutes. So if you have any other additions to this never-ending list, please feel free to share them in the comment section below.