Ah February, the month of love.

You either love it... or you're bitter at everyone who has someone to call their own and then proceed to cry yourself to sleep. Either way, it is in this month where we pay special attention to that special someone we are currently or would like to be in a relationship with.

Now, when I was first tasked to write about some fictional characters that I would personally like to go out on a date with, I was excited.

"Oh, boy! What a long list this will be!" cried my 15-year old self.

But then I realized that there were a lot more characters that I did not want to date these days than those I had any interest in (maybe I got better standards than I had while going through puberty.)

Throughout the years, I'm quite glad that pop culture has gotten its fair share of good female characters (i.e. those that are not helpless or just a pair of boobs), and while film, anime, TV shows, and video games have done this to a good degree, there are still a lot of honourable mentions that stick to the old ways.

Anyhoo, here is my personal list of fictional female characters that I would never go on a date with.

Elizabeth (Bioshock Infinite)


As original as Bioshock Infinite's characters were, I cannot get past the fact that Elizabeth is someone who is really hard to get along with.

At the start she is overly gullible and a cardboard cut-out of a Disney princess™, which means she falls into the trope of whiny since she cannot have her happy ending - which in this case means going to Paris (which is way out of my price range, by the way) and by the end, she resembles someone out of Doctor Who - a know-it-all who thinks she's always right.

Not to mention the fact that she just runs off all of a sudden - it would make for a bad date, is all I'm saying.

I suppose this is all because she has been locked up in a tower for most of her life, which explains her poor people skills, but that's no excuse to just run off to Paris like it was Disneyland where dreams supposedly come true, because surprise! They don't.

I haven't even mentioned all the Internet porn she does (you know what I mean, people with an Internet connection).


Lightning (Final Fantasy XIII - all of them)


When Tetsuya "belt-buckles-and-chains" Nomura created Lightning, he probably thought "female Cloud Strife". But unlike FF7 Cloud, who had a wide range of personality traits and knew how to laugh at things, Lighting's design and personality comes from Final Fantasy Advent Children Cloud Strife - a character whose personality got sucked right out of him and replaced with a brooding, silent, anime version of Batman... with belt buckles and chains.

That is exactly what Lightning is like - always so serious and never opens up to people. No wonder she's still single. That lone wolf thing she's doing doesn't help either because even if you do like the silent type you will find that there's nothing underneath since all she talks about is her sister! Geez lady, why don't you just marry her, then?

Come to think of it, I would rather go out on a date with her sister, Serah, instead of Lightning. At least she has a more interesting personality than the entire Expendables cast.


Quiet (Metal Gear Solid 5)


If Lightning had little to no personality, then this lady makes Lightning look like Leonardo DiCaprio after his pretty boy phase (so.. non-Oscar Leo DiCaprio).

Quiet, as her name implies, cannot speak -which is all well and good because a character can still have a lot of personality even without being able to talk if the creator is able to justify it.

Sadly, Hideo Kojima capitalizes once again on knowing that his fanbase consists of lonely men and makes yet another woman with her boobs hanging out for no apparent reason. And don't give me that faff that she breathes through her skin, that's just bad writing all around.

I like boobs as much as the next guy but this is just sad. She has got nothing to add to the table (or the plot of the game, for that matter) other than her outfit - which is literally almost nothing at all.

You can't even be seen going out with her in public without the police asking questions. And when they ask her about what happened, you know what she will say? NOTHING!

Netting you years in prison and her hours of therapy. Not my idea of a date at all.


Mileena (Mortal Kombat)


... for obvious reasons.


Megan Fox's character in any Michael Bay film


Straying from video games, I tried looking for one specific lady in movies that especially sticks out like a sore thumb. And yes, that was a joke on Megan Fox's thumbs - one I made by accident but will keep it here nonetheless.

There was a time when Megan Fox was the most desired woman on Earth... but then everyone developed standards and moved on.

Michael Bay must have missed that memo since until this very day, he tries to put Megan Fox in every film with his name on it in hopes that we suddenly remember that she is hot. But like the Titanic, that ship has sailed and sunk.

I can't even remember the names of the characters she plays because they always fall into the same staple of the supposed sexy character that gets the attention of the male characters by showcasing tight clothes and/ or excessive cleavage. It worked in Transformers so I guess it worked on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I mean, it is getting a sequel after all.

Horrible movies aside, in this day and age where objectifying women is becoming more and more taboo, tricks like the Megan Fox boob character don't work as well as they used to. That being said, I think that she would not be totally undateable for teens who just got introduced to the opposite sex, but I myself would not touch that with a 10-foot ugly thumb.


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Watch out for our upcoming article, 5 Fictional Men You Shouldn't Date.


About the author: Carlos Zotomayor

Zoto can see your underpants. Mmm... tasteful.


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