Would you look at that; GameGulp is now one year old.
Now to be honest, I wasn't here from the beginning. Like a used furniture salesman, I wandered door to door, peddling my wares in hopes that someone would be crazy enough to give my lazy bum a chance. And after almost a year of servitude, I have come to a chilling realization: that everyone in this establishment is as crazy as I am.
With nothing but a love for video games, movies, and horrible eating habits, we somehow managed to pull through a year of writing articles that you, dear viewer, have so kindly decided to read out of interest (or pity). And for that, I'd like to thank you.
So who wants a drink?
Though I have the writing style of someone who consumes copious amounts of alcohol and/or illegal drugs, I take solace in the fact that I do not need either of them to appear intoxicated and/or high. Long story short: I don't drink.
That said, I
wouldn't pass up the chance to buy a drink for a couple of video game
characters who sorely need it. Whether due to excessive stress, anger, or just
because they seem interesting, here are a couple of fictional guys, girls, and
an unnamed species that I would love to chat up at a bar as I drink tap water
like a sissy.
Kratos (God of War)
If there was ever a video game character in dire need of a drink, that person would be Kratos. Aside from the multiple cases of PTSD which result from the wars he starts, Kratos has the horrible memory of his family's murders burned onto his skin.
This would be well and good if he was auditioning to be the world's whitest, buffest clown, but when you're the one responsible for your wife and daughter's deaths, then having that memory come haunt you every time you take naked Snapchat selfies takes its emotional toll.
Oh, and I hear he has an anger problem as well.
John Marston (Red Dead Redemption)
This fills out the "old man" requirement on the list. Instead of talking to someone who is just plain angry all the time, I would love hear the tale of a person who is trying to put that past behind him.
John Marston has seen it all: orphaned by a pimp father after the death of his prostitute mother, running in a gang of outlaws who eventually abandoned and left him for dead - he's been through enough to make working a 9-5 desk job seem enticing.
It would be fun to just sit on his lap and hear him tell stories about the good old days where the forms of entertainment were pushing cows onto their sides and robbing banks without any of those newfangled electric alarms. But the thing I want to hear most from him is just how you take all that violence and anger and strive to be a better person.
He isn't as old as other video game characters, but when you get your face mauled by a bear, I think that's just about the right age to hang up your guns and spend the rest of your days in a bar trying to numb the pain.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)
Oh look, diversity.
I have no idea of Lara Croft's exact age. In some games, she's old enough to be my grandmother. In others (more specifically the recent incarnation that has her filling out masochistic fantasies for sadists), she is a good two years younger than I am. But for the sake of understanding, let's all agree that I'll be talking about the later Croft who just can't seem to catch a break.
Unlike Nathan Drake (whom she totally ripped off the climbing, grunting, and excessive running for your life), Lara Croft doesn't have a colorful cast of friends nor a mentor that wears really cheeky Hawaiian shirts. She's almost always alone and doesn't take the time to snap a cheesy one-liner about how she almost snapped her neck. She also doesn't live in the moment and is always focused on whatever priceless treasure or endangered species she sets her sights upon.
It's just plain bad when a person is always on work mode and doesn't take the time to unwind. So of course I'd like to buy her a drink and see her let down her hair for once (I have no plans of slipping her a roofie, you perv).
Sadly, I'm pretty sure Lara would need that alcohol for another reason: that being a disinfectant for the various open wounds that she receives from falling, tripping, and the bullets fired by at least a hundred similar-looking guys in combat gear.Â
Bayonetta is neither angry not troubled by her distant past. In fact, she even has the tendency to forget her origins entirely, a skill that usually requires copious amounts of alcohol to attain.
So why is she on this list? Two reasons come to mind (and no, that was not a sexist joke).
The first reason is that she has the self-preservation instincts of a kamikaze pilot, resulting in her carefree personality. While other people would lose their bladder control when facing the hordes of heaven and hell, Bayonetta simply guffaws as she tortures them in the most sexually suggestive manner possible.
The other reason, witch (heh) I must stress, is that she has class. If you look at the other weirdos here, not one of them is the type of person that would be easily approachable in a bar (unless, of course, you're really drunk or incredibly lonely).
Bayonetta is the exception because unlike the others, I wouldn't mind talking about posh topics like fashion or hunky boys. She's fun to talk to, laughs a lot, and I know that if I make fun of her, she wouldn't be as cross as Kratos or as whiney as Lara Croft.
Tingle (The Legend of Zelda)
dressed up like a Teletubby outside of their house deserves to drink until they
can't tell their ass from their face.
Which video game character would you like to have a drink with? Are they handsome, ugly, or somewhere in-between? Let us know in the comments and remember to never drink and drive unless it's in a video game.