Is 'The Avengers' too high-budget for you? Try 'Guardians' instead!

Written by: Carlos Zotomayor

Film | Feb 25, 2017

Argunov Studio Arsus Enjoy Movies Guardians Khan Kseniya Renovatio Zashchitniki

When you think of superhero movies nowadays, you think of Marvel and their constantly expanding cinematic universe which always seems to be one film away from crumbling underneath its own success. No one really pays attention to DC Comics' failed attempts at grasping our attention, let alone another studio which tries to laughably create a new set of weirdoes with like-minded powers.

But that's exactly what Russian film company Enjoy Movies did. Just look at this trailer, courtesy of KinoCheck International:

In making a move that requires no less than a gigantic pair of superhuman brass balls, Guardians makes use of the lull in superhero movies by introducing fans to a completely original story with characters that look like Chinese knockoffs of The Avengers.

After the end of World War II, it looks like more than one superhero with a love for his country was made. While Captain America had the good fortune to be on the better funded and humanistic side, the heroes that make up the Guardians were unlawfully captured and experimented on by the Nazis - Hitler's band of misfits who have as much popularity now as bird crap on your car's windshield.

This four-man team must band together despite their counterfeit looks and powers in order to take down August Kuratov, a villain with a machine that can control any technological device as well as a mechanical exoskeleton that makes him look like how Bane should have in The Dark Knight Rises had he not been partial to expensive fur coats.

If you thought the villain was bad, you haven't seen the members that comprise this new band of protagonists:

Here we have Ler, who looks like a failed sorcerer from the Doctor Strange movie. After failing to master the art of shifting dimensions, Ler has turned his sights on the dirtiest art of all: controlling dirt. With the ability to manipulate everything from the tiniest bit of dust to the Grand Canyon (which your mama could fill), this guy could make a living in construction work yet decides to waste it on covering himself in his own rock fort and pretending to be the Thing from Fantastic Four.

Next we have Khan, a Russian blade master who resembles nothing like the Winter Soldier. But simply being good with weapons isn't enough; he needs to have super speed as well. By focusing his power and inverting his eyes like the Undertaker, Khan can move at breakneck speeds while cutting things with as much confidence as a finalist at a noontime cooking show - something he should have done instead of hanging out in Nazi territory.

The only girl in the group, Kseniya, has the uncanny abilities for cleanliness. Like a body of water, she is flexible and is able to reach even the hardest to clean areas in a home (like behind a refrigerator). Not only that, but she can also breathe underwater (making bathroom cleaning a breeze) and can turn invisible (catching rats has never been easier).

Lastly, we have Arsus; and gods be damned if he doesn't look like King from Tekken. His powers are probably the only unique thing that this cast has to offer the film industry. Instead of the ability to fly or being able to stick to walls like an annoying cockroach, Arsus has been gifted with the power to turn into a freaking bear.

And not just a full bear, mind you. By being able to swap any of his human body parts with that of a deadly mammal, he can mix and match his biology to increase his strength while looking like the lovechild of a bootleg G.I. Joe and a Beast Wars: Transformers action figure, complete with a minigun that stops capitalism dead in its tracks.

Will Guardians (and its already announced sequel) be able to halt Marvel's reigning streak in the superhero film industry? Probably not. But let's give it the benefit of the doubt when the movie hits local cinemas this coming March 8.

About the author: Carlos Zotomayor

Zoto can see your underpants. Mmm... tasteful.

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