During the dawn of the early 2000s, three films started the Matrix franchise.
Starring Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, and Carrie-Anne Moss, the series brought about a sense of otherworldly philosophy while fulfilling the impossible task of making the "trench coat-and-shades" combo look cool indoors.
While movies such as Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings revolved around disarming one another with magical weapons, the Matrix trilogy focused on the magic of martial arts and shooting things with an unnecessary amount of bullets. The films were considered cult classics and to this day, a lot of people still consider them to be some of the most modern movies to date...
... which makes you feel pretty old when you realize that Warner Bros. plans to reboot the franchise.
Though details about the plot are scarce, the studio plans to recruit Michael B. Jordan (that "B" does not stand for "basketball", in case you were wondering) in one of the starring roles.
But we can do better than that!
With a complete lack of knowledge on how acting works, two of us compiled a main cast that would destroy everything the previous movies built faster than you can say "I know kung fu".Let us show you just how far down the rabbit hole we went...
Michael Cera as Neo
When it comes to crazy hand-to-hand fights, nothing in the west comes close to the outrageousÃ Scott Pilgrim vs the World.Cera has proved he has the moves to do flips and kicks while keeping that stupid blank look in his face (something we thought only Keanu Reeves could do). Though he might need some weapons training and have to go to a gym to avoid looking like a malnourished giraffe, Michael Cera's portrayal of Neo is something that would shake the foundations of Zion itself.
Samuel L. Jackson as Morpheus
In all honesty, this isn't that bad. Having Samuel "Snakes on a Plane" Jackson fill the role of the gap-toothed captain would change the overall tone of the movie.
For one thing, Morpheus would not be so much of a calm soothsayer than a leader who is bound to lose his shit if you do so much as leave the toilet seat down in the restroom. While giving Neo the skills to become The One was his task, I always thought Laurence Fishburne's Morpheus to be too naÃÂ¯ve and forgiving a teacher.This new Morpheus wouldn't even give Neo the option of choosing between two pieces of colored jelly beans - he'll just shove that red pill right up his nose and get to beating him in the video game world as soon as possible.
Chloe Grace Moretz as Trinity
Let's face it, we could use some young blood in The Matrix.
The original trilogy was composed of actors who were well into their 30s; which made sense that they spent the majority of their time in a virtual world where their bodies wouldn't have to do all the work. But in this day and age where anyone with Photoshop thinks himself a cinematic expert, fake wires and green screens aren't going to substitute someone who can do their own stunts (or at least pretend to do so).
That's where Chloe Grace Moretz comes in.
Proving that she can kick ass in... Kick-Ass, this really young actress can easily pull off Trinity's iconic mid-air kick that showcases her crotch to her opponent just before they get punished for sexual harassment. It also doesn't hurt that she already has experience wearing spandex as well as a degree in first degree murder.
could generate controversy because of the on-screen relationship between her
and Michael Cera, we'd like to think of this scandal as something that would
get people to watch the movie for its saucy bits!
Jonah Hill as Cypher
Cypher (that bald butthole who isn't Morpheus) made a strong argument about the philosophies between living andÃ actually living life. If you look at it in a way, you can see him simply as a whiny little bitch.
And no one can play a whiny little bitch better than Jonah Hill. Just take a look back atÃ This Is the EndÃ and check out that Milky Way scene.This casting becomes even more plausible when you remember that Cypher was initially on the side of the humans. Because of his lack of charm and a love life, this annoyingly-mustached man seems like just the role for Jonah Hill to utterly demolish.
Jim Carrey as Agent Smith
Whenever I think of Agent Smith, all we can think about is his perfect teeth. So naturally, we gravitated to the one person we know who has better dental care than Hugo Weaving.Ã
Jim Carrey's Agent Smith would be an emotion-filled antagonist who constantly mocks Neo's attempts at saving the people trapped inside the Matrix. After spending time in the same boot camp that made Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr. the human boulders they are today, Agent Smith could go toe-to-toe with Neo while constantly breaking the fourth wall by easily insulting his acting career.
Though this will never happen, seeing multiple Jim Carreys slap the deserving crap out of Michael Cera's prepubescent facial hair is something that would be worth the price of admission alone.
This all-star ensemble cast is set on turning one of the most philosophical-heavy franchises into a comical trilogy that will leave its predecessors in its shadow. We can't wait for Warner Bros. to read this and discard their previous ideas in favor of ours!