Trailer Trashed: Battlefield 1 Single Player

Written by: Carlos Zotomayor

Games | Oct 3, 2016

Battlefield Battlefield 1 Dice EA trailer trashed

Ever wonder what the meeting room for a trailer feels like as a piece of media nears release?

After revealing all the good stuff in earlier previews, I always picture the producers huddled together, scratching their heads as they try to draw blood from whatever is left into a last minute smorgasbord.

Thankfully, that is not the case with Battlefield 1. Instead of throwing stuff from the bottom of the pile, Dice and EA have seen fit to save the best for last: the game's single player mode!

Probably the most sought-after feature in the long-running franchise, you would be forgiven for thinking that Battlefield 1's campaign stars yet another grizzled soldier boy as he guns down other grizzled soldier boys. As it so happens, the devs have shelved this overused method of storytelling in favor of a more fictitious one: time travel.

Our story starts with a bunch of heavily-armed policemen as they chase after a joyriding criminal. Why they would need so many cops and guns to catch one man is a mystery to us until we find out that the perp is none other than Johnny Auto, purveyor of historical transportation vehicles.

This time however, he managed to steal not just some old jalopy, but an actual working tank - complete with fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror. Much to Auto's dismay however, the tank lacks ammunition as well as gas; and it promptly skids to a halt by some train tracks. 

When getting out to check the gas reserves, our anti-hero seems to have forgotten to put out the cigarette that helps with his bad boy image. The tank explodes, literally sending Auto back in time.

But to where?

All the way back to the Stone Age, apparently.

Instead of using proper weapons like guns and pepper spray, these men on the battlefield (there, I said the title of the game) have devolved back to hitting each other with blunt objects while exhaling inaudible grunts that were the predecessors to humankind's vocabulary.

Discontent with eating sticks and running from woolly mammoths, Auto closes his eyes and dreams of being back in his tank. What happens then is a feat that would make Doctor Who hang his metaphorical medical degree in shame.

Without having to click his heels or make use of a TARDIS, Johnny Auto time travels not to his malfunctioning tank, but to a pristine model in one of those World Wars. Sadly, this vehicle already has a driver, and no one wants to mess with a guy in a freaking tank unless he wants to be roadkill.

Determined to find his own souvenirs to bring back home, Auto shifts eras again and meets who else but one of the Wright Brothers. Just as he is about to steal the first aircraft known to man, the sly devil is stopped by this colorful cast of time travelers:

A tattoo artist from the time of Christ who does not look a day over thirty...

... and Clint Eastwood.

Stuck in eras that are not their own (Clint Eastwood most especially), they inform Auto that though travelling through different periods is possible, returning to your original time is something they have yet to accomplish.

What's more, an evil group of time travelling Nazis has started gathering history's most wanted in order to start fights across the space-time continuum. 

They've even printed out pamphlets to get others to join their cause! I totally did Nazi that coming.

But Johnny Auto, being the selfish criminal that he is, turns his back on mankind and decides to steal yet another priceless piece of transportation, this time (heh) one from the 1900s.

After realizing too late that he does not know how to drive a train, Johnny apparently sees the error of his ways and joins Clint Eastwood's ragtag posse in order to prevent the Time Nazis doing things such as producing more pamphlets and prank calling Alexander Graham Bell.

Well, that and he just couldn't escape the fact that the rebel group has a lot more toys than he does.

Look at that face; it looks as though all his Christmases have come at the same time.

A bit too ecstatic and overeager after gaining control of a 1984 battleship, Auto immediately goes rogue and fires of a volley of shots at the Clint Eastwood club as well as the Time Nazis. Losing all allies and his only chance of getting home, he flees the scene.

Luckily for him, the rebel group wasted all its resources making that battleship and now have to resort to beasts of burden to chase down the now-seaworthy criminal. And unless these horses have been scientifically cross-bred with dolphins, there is absolutely no way that they can catch up to him.

The Nazis, on the other hand, were able to blackmail Isaac Newton into creating gravity-defying airplanes so they could capture and recruit the fleeing criminal into their service. They could use the talents of a backstabbing time traveler in their group.

But Johnny, being the rebel that he is, spits in the eye of their commander, Time Hitler, and tells him to eat sweaty gym socks. Unable to induce an appetite for foot clothing, Time Hitler loses his head and comes fists-a-swinging, savagely destroying the innards of a zeppelin as well as the wanted face of Johnny Auto.

What fate befalls Johnny at the end of the game? Apart from a Truxican standoff showing his now-busted up mug, the trailer concludes with an ambiguous ending. Guess it is only a matter of TIME until we find out. 

Trailer Trashed is where we dissect normal-looking trailers and paste them back together with satire and sarcasm. 

About the author: Carlos Zotomayor

Zoto can see your underpants. Mmm... tasteful.

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