Wait! Don't go!This isn't a trailer about those five (soon to be six) horrible Mila Jovovich movies whose posters always involve her holding a gun. This is a trailer on the upcoming CG movie by Capcom which includes characters from the video games and will be out in 2017.
At long last, after countless video games and movies, Resident Evil: Vendetta (I cannot call it Biohazard for I am not Japanese) seeks to answer the series' biggest question: that being where exactly these evil residents the title speaks of are located. While the games include zombies and infected villagers at a dizzying population, I have yet to see an actual evil local who has all their brains intact and their insides... inside.
Our trailer starts off good and proper with a footwear advertisement. Good to see Capcom wasted no time selling out.
As it turns out, this fine pair of feet belongs to Leon Kennedy, RESIDENT pretty boy and one of the stars of Resident Evil 6, the last main release in the franchise. Seems like he's taking a break from suplexing zombies and is going on a shopping spree to look for new shoes to replace his heavily blood-stained ones.
But where is Chris Redfield, the other star of the last game and the one who looks like his mother has been spiking his baby food with steroids since he was young?
Oh. Here he is. Playing soldiers again with his frat buddies from college.
It looks like they've set their sights on some late night fun with the RESIDENT owner of this manor. Armed with water rifles and egg grenades, these frat boys burst into the house looking for the owner's private stash of gentleman's magazines and vintage liquors. What they find though, is a lot older and more terrifying.
After losing one of his brothers-in arms, Chris Redfield looks under a bed and finds not just an abundance of dust bunnies but a staggering amount of exploding bogeymen!
These guys have been set to pounce upon intruders should they snoop around for the RESIDENT's X-rated belongings or tamper with the horrible classical music that plays throughout the entire trailer.
Already overwhelmed by the bad music, the addition of this boogeyman trap leaves Chris more scared than a boy who just found out where babies actually come from. After soiling his cargo pants, Chris does the manliest thing ever and jumps out a second story window, ditching his friends in the process.
The trailer then cuts to Leon shooting a gun... which must be an important plot point, all things considered. He must have gotten mad that they didn't have his shoe size and demanded to know where the manager of the establishment was.
Thankfully, this is the only interruption from Leon we get for the rest of the trailer and we soon get back to poopypants Chris...
You thought I was joking when I said those were exploding boogeymen, didn't you? Well, you were wrong. Chris's jump from the window was fueled not just by his need to change pants; it was also for a good reason: those boogeymen were set to blow up the entire building and take along any snooping perverts or looters within it.
Chris, now with his ears bleeding from classical music and experiencing the discomfort of having soiled himself, takes solace in the fact that no one managed to see his running away like a little girl.
Or was there?
Upon returning to the ruins of the mansion, Chris comes upon one of the surviving fraternity brothers. Worried that he must have witnessed his little accident, Chris does the only sensible thing and shoots his comrade in the head. At least it was a lot quicker than the initiation rituals they had back in college.
The gunshot is heard by the surviving members of fraternity Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, who bolt to get as far away from the deranged Chris as possible. Nobody wants a repeat of that fateful initiation ritual (which likely involved the blunt end of a combat knife and copious amounts of petroleum jelly).
Sadly though, these brothers soon meet their untimely demise at the hands of another man...
...THE RESIDENT EVIL! Seeing this illusive man for the first time has caused the two fraternity brothers' heads to promptly explode, once again leaving no witnesses to his existence or whereabouts.
Resident Evil: Vendetta looks to continue where this trailer left off: with Chris changing his pants as he looks for his already dead brothers and with Leon getting a nice pair of size 13 Crocs. No one will be the wiser that this evil resident truly exists.
Trailer TrashedÂ is where we dissect normal-looking trailers and paste them back together with satire and sarcasm.