After the madness that is E3, it's nice to sit back, wear some comfy Crocs, and reflect on what the hell just happened over the last few days by picking apart every little thing that we may have overlooked - like a scab that you just can't leave well enough alone.
And what better way to start this
off than with the most maddening announcement of them all: the reveal trailer
for Hideo Kojima's Death Stranding.
Now, I am aware that in the short lifespan of Trailer Trashed, I usually put a twist on a trailer by substituting an otherwise coherent story with one that is still moderately coherent but has nothing to do with what said trailer is actually about.
That being said, I am positive
that this time nothing (and I mean NOTHING) that I write down here will be able
to hold a candle to just how loony this game's actual story will be; it's being
produced by the craziest game director out there, after all.
Oh great, poetry. This isn't going to be easy, is it?
Anyway, our trailer starts off proper to the sound of someone doing laundry in the background in a very rhythmical tone. The person in question sounds like she has an artificial limb which gets scraped on the washboard; but she doesn't seem to mind, as she continues to sing the tune that carries on throughout the rest of the video.
I imagine her as an amputee pirate
who has a part-time job at as a cleaning lady. Let's call her "Olga".
Soon after, we get our first good look at the game, which proves that my "amputee pirate lady" theory was only partially correct: Olga is not a pirate, it seems, but rather an illegal fisherwoman who blasts seafood out of the water and hates crabs just as much as Freddie Mercury or Plankton from Spongebob Squarepants.
And that's not all!
She is also invisible and has hands for feet!
What's that? She's crawling on her hands towards this naked man whose clothes she is currently cleaning?
Well that would be a fine notion to surmise upon, dear reader, but you may notice that there are no other marks on the sand aside from the handprints, so either she's doing handstands ala Cirque du Soleil (which is not possible since we know that she has already found employment within the sea world equivalent of Nazi Germany and has an artificial appendage to boot) or she has hands for feet. I'm going with the later.
Now let's take a look at the naked man.
After initially overwhelming us with his finely tuned buttocks and well-figured trapezius, we can see that this man is clearly a victim of a really bad night out: aside from the blatantly obvious fact that he has no clothes on (as they are being washed by Olga the cleaning lady), he has also been recently handcuffed, groped, and left alone with a child that looks like the toy you find in a Kinder Surprise.
But this isn't just some random naked man, no sir. He doesn't leave the Kinder Surprise to fend for himself but rather embraces him so tightly that the baby dissipates into his body in globs of ink. Apparently this game will have power-ups shaped like children, which you then use to gain various powers.
And this where the big reveal comes in:
Upon seeing his abdominal area, we find out that this naked man is the second coming of Christ, as evidenced by the crucifix so clearly emblazoned on his body and the mountain of fish he has seen fit to multiply in order to feed the five pieces of floating Kit Kat in the distance. There's even a whale or two there for dessert.
It all makes sense now...
Olga the cleaning lady is this game's equivalent of Mary Magdalene, who seems to be atoning for her sins against aquatic life by washing the bearded man's clothes while bearing the burden of having a missing limb and being cursed with hands for feet.
The child is the result of her and the man's night out, who apparently shares his mother's affinity for invisibility and having hands on his lower body, and this whole game takes place in a dystopian future where mankind has reverse-engineered the ability of flight from birds (you will see none whatsoever in the trailer) and it's up to our lord and savior Iron Abs Jesus to save the world from mankind's false accent into godhood.
So that's it then: Hideo Kojima's new game will involve a somewhat biblical take on the dystopian future genre and will feature not raggedy people dressed in clothes stolen from department stores, but rather completely naked men in a tale that talks of unconditional love, invisible groping, and the multiplication of various species of aquatic life.
If this is the case, then I cannot wait to play Death Stranding, or as I will now call it by its proper name: Lord and Seavior.
"Body. And blood."