Trailer Trashed: Far Cry 5's Teaser Vignettes

Written by: Carlos Zotomayor

Games | May 29, 2017

Far Cry Far Cry 5 trailer trashed Ubisoft

The newest entry in the endangered species-killing franchise, Far Cry 5 sets itself apart from its predecessors by saving money on trips to tropical islands and prehistoric mountain ranges by setting you on a road trip to good old America.

Located in fictional Hope County, Montana, details have been mum apart from these four vague vignettes that tease the look and feel of the upcoming title like those free samples you find in the grocery.

As if Ubisoft didn't make our lives difficult enough with all their virtual collectibles and climbable towers, the company is now cutting up their trailers and releasing them like bite-sized bits of downloadable content.

But wait... these are all out of sequence!

When viewing them in numerical order, these short trailers make as much sense as the climax of Interstellar. So after using my grade school knowledge of context clues, I managed to decipher that these teasers should be watched in the following order: 3, 4, 2, and 1.

This way, they manage to tell a tale that paints a picture of rural Americana beset by a community of traditionalist zealots.

Our story begins where all the horror in any small town starts: the church.

As a new day dawns on Hope County, the religious citizens gather to pay homage to the Lord for keeping them safe from the advances of technology. Note that even with electricity, their church still lacks a proper parking lot and satellite TV with which they can criticize the rest of the world.

One day, an unsuspecting millennial called Chuck finds himself lost on the way to Coachella and stumbles on this seemingly harmless town (he must have used up his phone's battery playing Pokemon Go and hasn't realized that the game is deader than Eddard Stark).

Looking for a way to get back on the open road, he talks to the first local he comes across and discovers that there isn't a telephone or Internet connection to be found for miles. Wrought with the realization that he cannot check his Twitter feed for five minutes at a time, Chuck screams out loud, scaring the wildlife and alerting the citizens to his outsider status.

Now on the run from elders whom you wouldn't want as your girlfriend's parents, Chuck runs pell-mell across the fields in hopes to reach the nearest town that isn't filled with lush vegetation or breathable air (God knows what those would do to his severely caffeinated body).

Disgusted by his long hair and disrespect of authority, one of the citizens manages to shoot the young punk in the back of his overpriced Gucci T shirt. It doesn't seem that hard to do, considering the kid was sprinting like his pants were about to fall off.

And so ends the story of Cuck: tossed in a river with no swimming skills whatsoever.

Far Cry 5 seeks to increase awareness on the lack of outdoor skills and respect that plague today's youth. 

Trailer Trashed is where we dissect normal-looking trailers and paste them back together with satire and sarcasm. 

About the author: Carlos Zotomayor

Zoto can see your underpants. Mmm... tasteful.

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