Anime is an all-encompassing form of animation that comes from our freaky friends in Japan. Tackling the weirdest topics, artists and writers have covered everything from cutesy cat buses to tentacle fantasies that have never been viewed at a volume level over ten.
There's a lot of anime out there, but only some have gotten the attention of those who leave their homes and participate in actual human interaction. Case in point: Fullmetal Alchemist.
Written and drawn by Hiromu Arakawa and converted into two anime adaptations, this multimedia franchise centers on two brothers as they try to regain their bodies after committing taboo magic voodoo in order to bring their dead mum back to life. This leads them on a journey of self-discovery where they meet heavily muscled Englishmen, corrupt magic voodoo officers, and a talking dog (thought that I'd forget to sneak that one in here, did you?).
With all of that in just one title, it's no wonder that Warner Bros.
Pictures has decided to put their own unique spin on the one-armed,
vertically-challenged alchemist. Instead of focusing on illegal voodoo use on
human beings, the live-action film sees young Edward Elric in a more realistic
role - that of a teenage cosplayer.
Caught in a depressing cycle of poverty, Edward has never once won a cosplay competition. Forced to use cardboard boxes and tin foil to create his costumes, he finally turns to the dark arts to find a solution.
By using alchemy to convert common household tools into metal, Edward realizes that money is not the only means of getting recognized at a comic-con. He scours the neighborhood, looking for the biggest pieces of architecture he can find to fuel his masterpiece that both weaboos and otakus will pass down from forum to forum.
One by one, he dismantles them...
Â ...a train...
... even the road itself is not safe from the greedy hands of this young man whose only aim is an oversized check and a peck on the cheek from one of the showgirls.
"Hoho!" he exclaims, as he rubs his hands with glee. "Now I will have the best costume ever! Those clowns in Deadpool costumes and knockoff Iron Man armors won't stand a chance against my creation!"
Sadly though, greed seems to have gotten the better of this alchemist who thinks wearing white gloves makes him look more like Michael Jackson...
In getting too much raw materials for his costume, the resulting armor Edward so desired is a good three feet taller than him, making it completely useless for someone of his stature. He hangs his head in shame, wondering who he can call in order to complete the human totem pole needed to fit this oversized metallic suit.
Before the trailer ends, we catch a glimpse of the price Edward has to pay for meddling in the dark arts. After producing too many unsatisfactory costumes, one of them comes back to life in order to get revenge on his creator.
"We would have been great together!" says a horribly-made Harambe costume. "I could have won you the hearts and minds of those fools, yet you settle for a suit of armor? How original. I hope you suffocate on the fumes from all that metal polish you used!"
Fullmetal Alchemist will show sometime in 2017 and seeks to solve the mystery on where cosplayers actually come from. Do they change into costume at the venue or do they commute in a bus wearing skimpy tribal clothing and carry clubs the size of small children? We'll have to wait and find out!
Trailer Trashed is where we dissect normal-looking trailers and paste them back together with satire and sarcasm.