Trailer Trashed: It (2017)

Written by: Carlos Zotomayor

Film | May 11, 2017

It Pennywise Stephen King trailer trashed

I said I would never do this and yet here we are... talking about clowns.

The source of every kid's nightmares (and mine), Stephen King took the one thing that people of all ages would fear and turned it into a novel that is the complete opposite of the bible. Where the religious book talked about salvation from sins, It paints a picture of eternal damnation at the hands of an entity that takes the form of your deepest, darkest fears.

Unbeknownst to most, this creature used to be a troublemaking boy like all the rest; as the movie will explain.

Funnily, Pennywise the Clown does not take good kids who go to school and have haircuts like Tobey Maguire. He only preys upon good-for-nothings who don't listen to their parents.

This choir boy is going nowhere. As you can see by his haircut (that was no doubt groomed by his mother's saliva) and finely pressed suit (which he uses when making rounds as a Jehovah's Witness), Richie Rich here may as well be Christ reincarnated.

His classmates on the other hand, are a different story...

These hooligans break almost every known swimming rule. Improper swimwear, roughhousing, coed swimming... If it weren't for the fact that they were partly clothed, then this movie would deserve a good R rating; with the "R" standing for raunchy.

They don't stop with defiling swimming regulations, either. 

The meddling kids consistently break curfew and visit abandoned houses to play Ghostbusters...

.. ride bikes without safety gear...

Oh, and they're packing heat as well.

It was only a matter of time before they got a mysterious invitation to a party in an abandoned sewer. Despite its rather unique location and aroma of vomited cat food, only a really dedicated vegetarian would turn down an event where free pizza and cake is involved.

After some choice vulgar words seal in their identities as bad kids, these adolescents stumble upon party favors like a poo stick and a shoe. It seems as though the theme for this occasion revolves around objects you would find in a poorly-kept trailer. Note the word "Ripsom" on the side of the shoe. This clearly is a message from the host; as he plans to "ripsom" new air holes for these children to breathe through.

Ignoring this final warning, the boys make their way to the festivities and come across the first sign that a powwow is going on. A simple red balloon marks their path before popping and revealing their host. 

Pennywise, the failed McDonald's mascot, emerges from his literal dank living quarters to greet his esteemed guests. Once a kid with a bright future, he threw away his chances at college by playing hooky to focus on his impossible balloon configuration art.

He obviously succeeded. But it seems that his mother never told him that pursuing such a dream would not amount to a good career; as he now spends his time kidnaping his kin to show them the outcome of such aimless tomfoolery.

And this is the first film in this duology! Holy crap. 

It will be an educational film for children who don't abide by the rules. If going to the principal's office or detention cannot get to a young man's mind, then maybe searing the inevitability of getting a job as a clown might prove more helpful.

Trailer Trashed is where we dissect normal-looking trailers and paste them back together with satire and sarcasm.

About the author: Carlos Zotomayor

Zoto can see your underpants. Mmm... tasteful.

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