With the disaster that was the Batman V Superman movie still fresh in our minds, DC would like nothing more than to remind us that in a span of one year, we will soon get a sequel to one of the worst bromance movies of THIS year.




So let's get to it, then.

Justice League is a film wherein two talent scouts (portrayed by Ben Affleck and Gal Gadot) travel the globe in search for members to join the most culturally diverse boyband the world has ever seen (in brightly colored spandex, no less). And culturally diverse it is!



Our first recruit appears to be the son of Santa Claus (as seen in the picture above) and the scene involves Ben Affleck trying to reason with the father and his... 1,2,3,... 11 wives of varying age groups to let their son go and fulfill his dream of joining a heavy metal band by starting out small in this six-piece ensemble which will make millions in the span of five years but then slowly turn into in-fighting because the other members feel like "it isn't about the music anymore" and strike out on their own.

The trailer then fast-forwards to the near-future, following the descent of the boyband formerly known as Justice League into madness...



You see the Burger King and his associates burying the band's entire discography in the most hipster way possible...



... Santa Claus Jr. devolving into a state of alcoholism and failing to get sober by attempting to drink the entire ocean...




... a UPS delivery man reduced to living in a shack (more on him later)...



... and an African American (because this IS a diverse boyband, after all).

But before we get ahead of ourselves, let us first take a look at our friend, the UPS man...



... who apparently moonlights as a cosplayer with lots of money. Note the various volumes of manga on his shelves, the open 4chan forums which proudly display his "no waifu, no laifu" philosophy, and to top it all off, his very own costume which he uses at conventions such as the one where this trailer debuted.

But all of this fandom isn't an issue as talent scout Ben Affleck tosses what could most likely be the world's most dangerous business card, aimed not at the UPS man's open hands but rather his head in order to get the point (heh) across that he, in fact, means business.



This is the point in the trailer where we find out the UPS man's selling quality as a boy band member: he can literally CRAP LIGHTNING!

The suddenness of Ben Affleck's job offer and killer business card has left the man dumbstruck, caught in awe and surprise that he lets out a very juicy fart (that can be heard in the trailer's actual audio) which will save the stage manager of Justice League's concerts loads of money on pyrotechnics; all they would have to do is feed this otaku a couple of baked beans before the show and boom, instant fourth of July.

So that's one band member convinced, now how about the rest?



Sadly, Santa Claus Jr. seems to be a no-go, which is a shame because I'm betting that his relation to Father Christmas would put the boyband on the map. He probably rejected the offer because he was told that the only way to be in a boyband without looking like he would abduct his teenage-girl demographic would be to shave the beard he spent thirty years growing. And that just doesn't fly at all with him.



That is why we don't see him here, backstage at the first ever concert of the newly formed Justice League. 



We can see Ben Affleck, returning once again as a Kiss reject...



... Miss Universe, the first woman in a boyband, who is trying ever so hard to undo her mistake and remove the two similar friendship bracelets on her wrists...



... a T-8000 from Terminator that seems to have found its way into the wrong movie...



... the UPS man who is now in full cosplay gear and is showcasing his amazing ability for flatulence...



... and Santa Claus Jr., who is absent from the team and is presently staring in a new L'Oréal commercial.

There is still a lot we do not know about Justice League. How was the T-8000 convinced to return to the past to join the group? Where is their lead singer, Superman, and did he really fake his death like so many artists do nowadays? And the most important question of all, when is their debut album coming out?

Stay tuned as we follow this band around the world as they make their fans swoon, break hearts, and handle living with each other as the hottest thing to hit the globe since that meteor which wiped out the dinosaurs!






About the author: Carlos Zotomayor

Zoto can see your underpants. Mmm... tasteful.


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