Trailer Trashed: Shenmue III

Written by: Carlos Zotomayor

Games | Aug 24, 2017

Neilo and Ys Net Shenmue Shenmue 3 Trailer Trashed

Remember Shenmue III?  You know, the game that reached its initial Kickstarter goal of $2 million within eight hours of going live? The sequel to a Sega Dreamcast classic which stars young martial artist Ryo Hazuki as he searches for his father's killer? No? Well, neither do the developers.

In lieu of sticking to the franchise's original storyline, the people at Neilo and Ys Net have decided to create a stop motion dating simulator using knockoff Barbie dolls; complete with an all-plastic cast!

Starring an Asian Barbie and Ken, the trailer starts off with the two on a typical first date. Notice the deliberate avoidance of eye contact and stiff body language. After mustering up the courage to ask her out, the almost unibrowed hero can't even close the physical distance between them.

Things only get worse as the date drags on.

Upon realizing that he left his wallet at home, Ken decides to rough up the ferryman in exchange for a free ride. Little does he know that the driver in question is also the martial arts master who trained Kung Lao from Mortal Kombat (as evidenced by their similar headwear). He dodges all of the pretty boy's flashy moves and embarrasses Ken in front of Barbie.

Hoping to end the day on a high note and redeem himself, Ken picks a fight with the ugliest thug in town; who just happens to be Barbie's ex-boyfriend. With the physique of a ballet dancer and the face of Nicki Minaj, it's no wonder why Barbie left him; he looks way prettier than she does.

But good looks won't stop Ken from laying the smackdown on this beautiful man. Though the trailer doesn't show a decisive winner, the fact that Ken's Botoxed face seems mostly unharmed hints that he won the fight.

With a victory in his pocket instead of money, Ken takes Barbie back to the mainland via another boat; one which isn't driven by a Mortal Kombat guru.

Shenmue III picks up where the trailer ends and focuses on Ken and Barbie's relationship. Will the two ever find a way to express their love that doesn't involve staring blankly into each other's eyes? Will Barbie's ex ever find someone as beautiful as he? You'll just have to wait until the game releases on the PlayStation 4 and PC sometime in 2018.

Trailer Trashed is where we dissect normal-looking trailers and paste them back together with satire and sarcasm. 

About the author: Carlos Zotomayor

Zoto can see your underpants. Mmm... tasteful.

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